A Battle With My Old Self

I just had a battle with my old self. Needless to say, I won — but at a cost. I'm exhausted.

I was walking along and WHAM — it was like a hole opened beneath me and yanked me down by the foot.

I'm fostering a new way of meeting my experience now. Much more conscious. Much more present. But tonight, my old self came up strong — a panicking part of me. A part I'd dropped while getting carried away with new possibilities.

In Hugh Newton's Sovereign's Journey work, he speaks about the parts that can't. And how, sometimes, we have to do it for them.

During my first ceremony on an ayahuasca retreat, I was shown what it truly feels like to not be able to. To fully inhabit that state of I can't. I saw how heavy it is for that part of me to carry that weight through life alone. I nearly left the retreat. It was too much. But I stayed.

In the second ceremony, something shifted. A question appeared: But wait… Maybe I can?

By the third ceremony, I journeyed all the way through the night — all three cups — feeling deeply blessed. I did profound soul work that night.

What I see now is this: It's not about dragging the old self forward. It's about becoming trustworthy enough that the old self can finally let go.

So I keep building the part of me that can. The one that chooses love over fear. The one that stays present. And from that place, I can hold those frightened parts close — especially when the night is darkest.

I'm reminded of Ram Dass' words:

"Wherever you go, you take yourself with you."