I Am the Miracle I Seek

Originally shared on Facebook · 19th September 2022

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It feels like so much of my life I've been running. Trying to crawl my way out of the void in my heart. Searching for comfort. Trying to change my reality by leaving all the shattered parts of my soul behind. Yet wherever I go, my demons follow. It feels like I've been a plummeting comet, fated for doom. I would try and reach out to the edges, anything I could hold on to to prevent my plummet. It felt like hope was burning out, and I was running out of things to hold on to. Reasons to keep going, reasons to fight my fight, reasons to live. I would try and gravitate my trajectory around people that radiate a nurturing essence. Souls that embody hope, strength and love. Souls that could hold me when my night was darkest. I would wait for a miracle to occur. Somebody please save me, please hold me, please love me. It would seem miracles do exist. She came to me like an angel from the heavens. She guided me back into my broken heart just by being her authentic self. Then she left me there. It happens. Souls fall in love, and then they depart. And it is excruciatingly agonising. I really had to be the light that I was seeking during those times. I remember she once told me that 'nobody is going to save you. You must save yourself in this life.' My ego resisted somewhat and my pride was hurt, but the message resonated deep in my bones.

I remember the time during my Ayahuasca Dieta in the Amazon, my Shaman would say that you are alone to face the darkness, with the guidance of a trained elder to radiate out his guiding Icaro. You walk through the valley of darkness to find the light whence you came from. And that journey is embarked on alone. Yet we are ALL alone on that one road, and so together into the storm we walk, shining our lights into the darkness to reunite with ourselves and each other. That is the real revolution right there. It starts with you.

As I run out of energy, I cannot keep running. I am burned out. I surrender. I turn to face my so called demons. I hold out my arms and welcome the end, and I invite them to join my embrace. "You're not so bad" I say to them. "Actually you're really beautiful and I love you"

It feels like I am king claiming my throne, and inviting all voices, feelings, emotions, worries and anxieties into the Small Council Chamber. No voice gets left behind. No feeling left unattended and loved. Thank you anxiety. You have helped serve me all my life by keeping me safe. Thank you for your concerns. Actually, I am well and the threat from my past is no more. But I carry you in my heart. Depression, I hear your sorrows, and I hold your heart and I cry with you under the stars, and together we dive into the depths of pain. You never need be alone in that again. All narratives, and second guessing voices, fears, regrets, desires and longings. I feel you and I honour you. You are beautiful.

The path turns and it twists. Sometimes I am called to stand at the edge of oblivion to watch parts of myself perish. Sometimes I find my heart resting against another's heart, uniting as one. Sometimes catastrophe hits, and other times miracles arise. But ultimately, I could spend my whole life waiting for a miracle to happen. Maybe if I stand in the right place at the right time, chanting the right mantra, another angel will manifest before my very eyes to radiate peace and love into my very core. I could spend hours and hours starring into the stars waiting, like I was last night, while chanting my way through the darkness. I saw a shooting star. I paused. I realised I am the miracle I seek. This moment is a miracle and this moment and this moment. I must merely open my ears, heart and soul and welcome in the many blessings of life. Thank you thank you. I am here, I am present, and I belong here.

It was always me that I sought. And I am here now. I was always the saviour of my own soul. The Messiah isn't going to save me. Religion isn't going to save me. A paradigm shift in consciousness isn't going to save me or the human race. It may well do. But I can't wait that long. Because I'm alive now. I choose to awaken NOW. I'm not going to act all holy and present that to you. You can form your own opinions around me. I choose to still love you as much as I've longed to be loved for for so long. I am not perfect. I am still nurturing the love muscle. But I will do my best to love you.

May healing energy radiate out from your hearts all over your beings. May it flutter outwards to all pockets of creation, in all times and spaces.

Aho! And so it is.

Thank you for seeing me. ❤

(Photo taken in the Healing Space at Buddhafield 2022)