The Light of Guidance

The past several nights I had been wading through a terrifying, and intense darkness, the moon guiding me. I'm out of it for now. I don't know what came over me or what even might have triggered it. Suddenly all clarity was dispelled. My heart and throat chakra closed up. People were still engaging with me and I was somehow managing to talk back. I just felt so unsafe. I was purging so many blockages in my heart and throat. It felt like black tar clinging onto my heart, and that it was being pumped out with my every heart beat, and every act of attempted love.

Ultimately I was facing my shadows. Reigning in my projections of disowned parts of myself that I had always deemed ugly, unlovable and unworthy. I was being called by Divine forces as a source of assistance. I was facing actual nightmares where I'd wake up screaming. I remember one moment where a loud and very lucid seeming footstep came chasing towards me from the living room. My body was paralysed. It would get me every time. It is a reoccurring dream which I'm exploring.

A couple weeks ago me and David, my friend who I did my first ever Ayahuasca ceremonies in the Amazon with, went down the Glastonbury Experience tunnel at the bottom of the high street in Glastonbury. Whenever my friends from outside of Glastonbury visit I'm able to jump in to the tourist perspective to behold that which I take for granted, reminding me of how grateful I am to live in such a sacred town. We found ourselves following crystals in the sides of the walls and path to which I felt I was being guided along. I almost turned around but I looked at a crystal right next to the door to a crystal shop called Stone Age. Suddenly something within me lit up. Bingo it was saying. I walked in. David followed. Crystal shops have never felt relevant to me. Because I've never been called by crystals.

Knowledge gets so watered down when passed on by people who sort of know what they're talking about but more know it intellectually than have direct experience and relationship with it. Often people know the Bible or the Bhagavad Gita more in theory but they haven't necessarily reached that level of attainment of it within themselves yet. Its why it's considered important to consult to a bona fide spiritual teacher for the lessons of God.

So I looked around Stone Age and felt a really charged energy there. I decided to buy some ambient crystal music. The likes of Zen Dub and The Alchemyst. The guidance reached the end of the path. In good time we left.

I walked up the Tor for sunset a few days ago. I stopped by the White Spring and connected with the Divine Feminine alter and then the Sacred Masculine alter. I noticed I was more called to the feminine this time. On my route up I bumped into a friend who showed me her Lapis Lazuli pendant. She told me how much it had helped her to open her throat chakra. After saying goodbye I noticed as I kept walking up that this experience left a mark on me.

I managed to attend a beautiful Hari Krishna Kirtan at Sri Gour Kripa Dham in town. I felt really out of place and unworthy of such grace. Yet everyone was treating me as if I did. I was even given seconds first on Prassadam, the free blessed food. I was even given firsts first. Fair enough, I was starving and got up to sit next to the kitchen first. But somehow I intuited that this was okay despite the presence of such feelings of unworthiness. I realised I am actually worthy of this. I am worthy of it all. Everyone I know is saying hello, asking how I am and somebody even engaged with me in a deep philosophical conversation which surely planted some seeds. I came home feeling so blessed.

Within the ceremony It felt like the energies were really igniting my inner flame to which I could harness to ward off the darkness.

The little girl isn't scared of the monster under the bed in the darkness. No, the monster symbolises the unknown and our association with it. If our ancestors trod too far away from the fire to which his tribe sat around he would have been eaten by a tiger. The girl is afraid of the unknown potential that may erupt and gobble her up. Darkness is often perceived as bad. It is simply ignorance. Not knowing. What we think we see is merely guess work through the troubled and traumatised projections of the mind. It is memories of painful times reflected back through the subtleties of the content of ones perceptions. Heal the mind, and you begin to see beauty reflected back. Because ultimately it is all unknown. Life is a living mystery. True knowledge is embodied and embraced, not read in a holy script and only understood conceptually. Once you know you do not know in the way you think you do, you can relax, because you realise it is impossible to conceive of the inconceivable. You then stop seeing through the lens of projection and begin to see what is. Infinite Unconditional Love. God

Through ones own attention one can mindfully concentrate the direction of ones awareness face first into the eye of the monster under the bed, only to discover its transparency, and lack of power over you.

The following day or so I did some research on the Lapis Lazuli crystal and gradually my throat chakra began to spark up sharply, almost as if a piercing light was trying to penetrate through my throat onto the computer screen which I was reading from, pointing out just how relevant this information was to me. I simply knew I had to get a Lapis Lazuli pendant. I knew I had to talk to somebody in person and to not buy one online. So the following day I went back to the Stone Age shop in town. I noticed that as I was talking to the lady about my endeavours and my enquiry into the Lapis Lazuli that I was feeling really shy and that my throat wanted to collapse in on itself. I managed to push through. As our interactions unfolded my body intelligence began to resonate so much. I left the shop with that which I sought. A Lapis Lazuli pendant.

I came home and put it on and started noticing the energy in my field shifting. It felt mildly overwhelming like my nervous system was adjusting to such a shift. I knew I had plans to meet with another friend to do some social exercises to push through our fears of speech. It felt like such Divine timing. What better way to take my new crystal out for a spin around the block? I felt both afraid and oddly brave at the same time. My friend remarked that I was seeming super calm to her. This reassured my slightly unsure state. I was able to compliment a man for his choice in his scarf. I verbally appreciated a buskers music from the other side of the road. It was really awesome psychedelic wavey music. Something you'd want to be high on acid while listening to.

My communication all of a sudden feels so much clearer. And I'm feeling a lot more able to express and be authentic. Result. So I figured I'd do some writing about this. I love to write. Although it isn't clear what I wish to write about, yet it is clear that I wish to write. I'm definitely still met with forces of energy in my field that cause my throat to want to close up. Doubts of the sorts. But I felt really compelled to share this story with you. I'm doing a lot of internal work to break through my inner critic and saboteur. It all seems so Divinely timed.

Thank you for reading ❤