My Voice Returned

For years I used to hide my voice. I remember once as a kid I was going to sing a solo in front of the whole school including the parents. All my friends were encouraging me and all the teachers were acting as if they thought I was going to do it. But when I was called on I couldn't bring myself to stand up.

Singing has always been so vulnerable to me. It feels like I am opening myself up for my naked soul to be beheld by others. All of my secrets, all of my pain.

However I joined the chamber choir aged 10 and was able to sing with all my friends. We used to go to competitions competing against other schools. I loved it. I just couldn't do solos because in group singing I could hide and dim my light.

When I left that school I moved to a tough school, inhabited with ex military men who exploited and instilled fear and obedience onto us. I learnt that survival was a must, and singing was to be forgotten about. My mum insisted that she'd pay for the classes but I prevailed in my resistance once again. I buried my voice along side my light and persevered through four years of pain and darkness.

After getting myself expelled from that school came the greatest liberation of my life. But it was not until 2022 at an Ayahuasca retreat that my voice returned to me in the vast night like an ember in my visions. As my shaman Don Gino was singing the icaro my voice began to follow it and rest on it as if it were an anchor or foundation. Mother Ayahuasca was beckoning me to join her hand in graceful flight. And so our voices intertwined. We launched ourselves into ecstasy as we danced together. The Mother helped me to find my voice again. My truest light.

So the following year at the next Ayahuasca retreat Gino opened the space for anybody to do a little singing near the end of the ceremony. I took this opportunity to sing to The Mother as a thank you for the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. My voice. Completely uncensored and pure. It felt so liberating to release all that I've been holding together in my life. All of my pain and struggles, yet all of my gifts and blessings channelled into my voice to be seen, heard, and felt while deep in The Mother's Realm with one of my greatest teachers, Gino to witness me. The love and praise I received afterwards felt like coming home.

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What are some of your gifts? For your gifts are yours for finding. Don't give them to anybody, any institution or any victim narrative. Don't let what happened to you and who hurt you be the reason you don't shine. Don't let the enemy win. Let us dispel the demons in the deep shadow realms within. You are not what happened to you when you absolutely deserved to have better guidance, love, support, validation and initiations from your external world.

I'll tell you your greatest gift. It is your presence. That is all. Even when the night is darkest. Even when your hate for life reaches its heights or when your self esteem plummets and crumbles to a pit of despair. Even when you place a knife into your veins as you pray for obliteration, remember that you are the greatest gift you could ever imagine. If you see anybody in this place then please tell them they matter. Please tell them they are loved. I have met so many survivors of adversity and suffering and they all shine so bright. I am so grateful for all the souls who continue to make it through darkness who shine their light back to those who are still fighting for their lives.

So sing your song. It might just mean something to somebody.

Namaste